Not a bad Oscars carpet, right? Lots of white, lots of pastels. There were very few dresses I didn’t like, and even less that were straight up offensive. Overall, a job well done by Hollywood. As always, I’m looking forward to your best and worst picks in the comments– let me know who you loved and hated!
Charlize Theron in Dior. Fist pumping for Charlize. First of all, A+ for being a tall girl who doesn’t slump her shoulders or slouch to minimize her height. How gorgeous is she in this two-piece peplum gown? It’s Dior, of course; it’s always Dior for Charlize. Loving the crystal detail at the waist, the sharp V at the neck, and the delicate train. So, so good. And I really love how she kept everything else simple– no crazy statement necklace, bright lip, clutch in a pop of color, nothing. So minimal. Sometimes, there are real fashion balls in restraint.
Naomi Watts in Armani Privé. Seriously, that neckline/shoulder work is incredible. It could’ve been a real disaster with one breast looking much larger than the other– call me crazy (or blind), but I don’t see that happening here. Instead, it’s interesting and so beautiful, all sparkles and cap sleeve and fashion-spacesuit in the best way. It was different, but not swan-around-the-neck crazy. Loved her tousled hair and soft makeup; she looks lovely but isn’t fighting her age. Nicole Kidman should take a page from Naomi’s book and stop jacking with her face, agreed?
Jennifer Lawrence in Dior. Dior came to play, yes? This looked a bit bridal-white on the carpet, but the gown is actually a soft, pale pink. And absolutely phenomenal on Jennifer’s body. I love the stacked bustle, and the decision to drape a delicate necklace down Jennifer’s back. Unreal how gorgeous she looked– and 2013’s best actress!
Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille. Zoe, you’ve done it again. So flattering and beautiful, but still interesting and a daring. You shouldn’t be boring on the red carpet, and Zoe usually doesn’t disappointment in this department. The top of the gown is all Swan Lake, and cinched with an ivory belt complete with oversized bow. Good, good, I’m loving it. And then you move down to the hem– tiered ombré pearly white to smokey gray with black bow satin shoes. YES. This was it for me; my favorite gown of the night.
Helen Hunt in H&M. My problem with this is not that’s it’s H&M. I love wallet-friendly fashion. Where I take serious issue with the dress is that cheap material. Apparently it’s an environmental initiative– H&M’s Conscious Collection. But does eco-friendly have to be so rumpled? The dress isn’t even just wrinkled across the lap (common side effect of the limo ride to the red carpet); it’s wrinkled top to bottom. The fit around the chest is wonky, and that contrast ribbon across the top of the dress looks lumpy. Speaking of lumpy, this material is giving Helen lumps where she doesn’t have them. Oy vey, bad form all around.
Brandi Glanville in Brand B. Hi, Reality TV. I see you on the red carpet playing a rather loud rendition of One of These Things Does Not Belong Here. I don’t know what the actual hell Brandi was doing at the Oscars, but what is more offensive is that she’s wearing a dress she designed herself. (Insert comment about keeping one’s day job here.) Aside from the fact that I’m terrified at any moment I might be confronted with Brandi’s nipples, this dress is oddly reminiscent of Heidi Klum’s awful Emmy’s 2011 dress? If you’re going to copy a dress, at least copy a good dress. Ideas to ponder on the next Watch What Happens with Andy Cohen.
Kristin Stewart in Reem Acra. The first thing I focused on when I saw Kristin on the carpet were the bags under her eyes. This picture doesn’t highlight quite the same way this post does, but many commented on how tired and run down Kristen appeared. She started the carpet on crutches, limped through the press line, and apparently had a few bruises on her arms. A demanding movie role? Yikes. Let’s talk about the dress: the color washed her out, the top constantly needed to be pulled up, and that tulle tail feather business doesn’t work with the texture of the rest of the gown. Really lazy hair (and maybe even greasy?) and makeup. Maybe Kristin should have just stayed home?
Anne Hathaway in Prada. Bullet nipples. I couldn’t get that out of my head when I saw Anne on the carpet. She looks like an Audrey Hepburn Fembot, no? Pale colors were all over the carpet, but for some reason I wasn’t bored by Jennifer’s pale pink Dior the way I’m bored with this pale pink Prada. Maybe it’s the piss-poor satin and column silhouette? And don’t even start with, “Oh, Ashley– but the back was good.” Not even. It was straps and bows and diamonds and nonsense. Not Anne’s best showing.
Sunrise Coigney in ? I have no idea who makes this dress, but they should link up with Brandi Glanville and apply for burger-flipping jobs because they have no business in fashion. The word that comes to mind: clunky. I’m not terribly opposed to the print of the skirt, but the way it’s constructed is ugly, not interesting. The top of the dress looks like one of those vests boys rent for prom; boxy and ill-fitting. Don’t even get me started on those shoes, they just piss me off. And look at Sunrise’s face? Smug. Either she thinks she looks incredible (she’s wrong) or she knows it’s ugly and doesn’t care. Let’s hope for the latter, because we all love Mark Ruffalo right? Definitely the worst dress of the night for me.
Red carpet wrap! Shoot me your thoughts. I want to hear what you think! There were a ton of dresses I couldn’t include (Halle! Nicole! Reese! Jessica!) so let’s chat in the comments.